The excitement levels are off the scale this week with the Chelsea and Barcelona games. Underlying it is a feeling of deja vu all over again this season as we head towards another potential Champion's League showdown with Liverpool for the second season running. Say all you want about getting ahead of yourself or counting chickens but the brain can't be deflected from thoughts about the potential biggest game ever.

Barcelona might turn it on like AC Milan did and knock us out but I'm finally starting to believe myself, after much scepticism, that things are finally going our way in Europe. I'm getting a similar feeling to 1999. Results wise we haven't put a foot wrong in European games all season. OK we haven't always set the world on fire every game either and there have been some hairy moments but we've always seemed head and shoulders above the teams we've faced.

Barca keep on churning out these hopeless performances in the Spanish League that reek of a team going down the shitter. Just like when we met Juventus in the semi of 1999 there was a feeling they were past their best and on the decline, I'm getting that from Barcelona. We will never have as good a chance of reaching a final as this with our team as it is and their's in such disarray.

Chelsea in Moscow is far more preferable because the cost of defeat is so much less. We lose, they've got one European Cup, we've still got two. We lose to the scum and they've got...no I can't even bear to say it. I feel the pressure would actually be on United more than the Scousers. We're the bigger club, we've more fans to let down and we've the burden of underachievement hanging over us. If they lose they can still say they've won more and sink into the comfortable well of Scouse pity they've been suffering for 18+ years.

English Premiership clubs might be dominating the Champions League at the moment and the last few years but only an idiot would assume it's going to last. Rest assured Spain, Italy, Germany will be back. Real Madrid, AC Milan, Juve and Bayern might be missing right but they are never far away. A few years ago it was Spain that dominated, before that Italy, now its Englands moment in the sun. But I would hardly call Liverpool and Chelsea magnificent teams either. Personally I think the presence of so many other English teams in the competition ruins it for me, takes away the exoticness. Europe is about taking on foreigners yet you end up playing a team you've played a million times already.

I've been around too long and seen too much made shite down the years to just assume we'd beat Liverpool in Moscow. The final is a one off, look at Arsenal v Barca were Jens Lehmann got himself sent off after 18 minutes, the game was transformed and Arsenal never got a decent crack at it with 11 men.

Odds are if Manchester United meet Liverpool we will win, win the greatest game in the history of European football!!! But any Red boasting United will hammer Liverpool in the final knows nothing about football or is talking big to try and convince themselves they are not shitting their pants at the prospect. These odds go out the fucking windy if the Scousers are pre-destined to win by some magical power. Then it just won't matter how great United are or how amazingly brilliant Ronaldo is.

And United fans fear the magical power because we've had a fair share of it ourselves down the years and we know it cannot be stopped once it has been allocated. When you have the power everything goes your way and opponents crumble. Then add in the fact they have played in two finals recently and your players will be familiar with it, penalty shoot-out masters and are due a win having been beaten relentlessly in the League the last few years. Perhaps I should pre-book my holiday in Alaska for May 23rd just in case?

Then again, the amount of luck like Liverpool have had is due to run out and surely to arse Chelsea are due some in the semi-final against them at last? With the Abramovich Russian connection and the weirdness of hated Grant somehow succeeding were beloved Mourinho failed, it is set up for the other English team in the Moscow final to be Chelski. It's an ironic situation that might just prove too strong for those weird magical powers that seem to control our world of football. Of course it'd be a classic clash of style and flair versus organisation, new money versus old tradition. And the chance to for these magical powers to allow Manchester United to humiliate billionaire Abramovich on his own back door for trying to buy success.



NO RESPECT FOR REFS IS THE FOOTBALL WAY

I hate all this talk about new respect for referees. DISGRACE!!! cried one newspaper headline as the poor man in the middle came under seige from the nasty men who play football. You see for me, the referee is a dick, always was, always will be.

But now the media and football world has come so far in its dislike of modern millionaire footballers it's sided with the ref. Even Fergie has joined in. Sweet Jebus, if ever there was a man who has given referee's a earache it is Mr A Ferguson KBE of Cheshire.

Respect? How many times have you seen a referee lose the plot and make a complete utter balls up that wrecks a match or inflicts defeat? Too many FUCKING times. How many times has the cry went up "You don't know what you're doing!". This is a man who players are meant to give unconditional respect but how can they ever when he makes a balls of things so often? Unless he gives your team a penalty or sends an opponent off the ref is the enemy.

It is a very difficult job I'll admit but that does not stop us recognising shite when we see it and giving the appropriate abuse. When you see someone making a mistake, when the stakes are brutally high for your club you can't help but lash out abuse at the man in black. Football is a very simple game but applying the rules is incredibly difficult. A ref like Pier Luigi Collina was a class act and he got respect from all, but he is a rarity. Who else? Graham Poll? He was top ref but he sure took some stick and made some massive cock ups.

FIFA need to bring in video technology to help the ref otherwise until can you respect someone who makes errors 33% of the time. If we say that post match debating about dodgy decisions and human error are an essential part of the game then abusing the ref goes hand in hand with it. Its the price you have to pay for human error.

We do have the counter-argument that the number of refs is declining in England due to the fact no one now wants to do the damned shitty job. I would say the billionaire pound industry of the Premier League and FA can spend some of their cash and fix this problem if it becomes a issue, after all people still want to be traffic wardens, police, proctologists, morticians, bomb defusal experts and soldiers don't they? I hardly think being cursed at by Wayne Rooney is as stressful as serving on the front line in Iraq with the threat of death lurking every day? In fact I'd be honoured to be on the receiving end of one of the Scousers verbal assaults!

"Why can't football be like Rugby?" is the endless whine when it comes to the officials. It can't and won't ever will be and I think its because hating the ref and calling him a wanker come from deep traditions inside football. Football was primarily a working class game and the ref gave the working man the chance to shout abuse at authority, a much needed outlet for anger at the big nobs putting one over on us.

Football is riddled with referee abuse because to us the ref is the boss, he's the headmaster, the government official, the system, he's God, authority and every other crunt who's told you to stop doing something cause it's against the rules. If he's not for your team he's usually shafting it. And with it coming from the stands in bucketloads how are players supposed to react differently?

After a while I expect the current FA clampdown on player referee dissent will go back to the way it was. Footballers will always give gyp to the ref and he'll not like it but that is the way of the world. Yup it's naughty but we all get a thrill at the same time don't we? Let Wayne Rooney's filthy ref aimed torrents of cursing never be silenced. Swear away son, give him fucking hell from all of us!!!



UNITED REVIEW

As I settle into my seat at Old Trafford 15 minutes before KO I'm well organised after countless years attending worship at the Red Temple. No £4 cold pies or £6 packets of crisps from the concourse for me, I bring me own snacks and a sly hipflask full of Scotch if I need an alcoholic top up. But my one concession to the corporate machine is the United review match programme.

I can't get over how quickly I can read the United Review these days, 3 minutes at most. The match programme has always been a pretty drab and soul-less booklet. Nowadays it is an ultra lame arsed affair with 20+ pages of adverts, no digs at opponents no slagging of the rival club, no criticism of anybody. When it interviews players they never say anything interesting. For example it would be great to see: Interviewer to Wayne Rooney: "What do you think of todays opposing captain Steven Gerrard". Rooney: "He's an absolute fucking c*nt of the highest order".

It would be nice to see all out warfare in programmes, sheer bile stirring, wind-up hatred. To be fair the blandness is not a modern phenomenon, it's always been like that. As has every other football club programme I've ever seen as well. They just dare not risk offending. The arrival of fanzines in the late 80's, Internet and 24 hr sports news is were the real slagging off and critiscm can let rip.

The United programme has a few scant words of punditing from Paddy Crerand and Sir Alex gives his usual "todays opponents AFC Bridlington On Sea will be tough opposition" knowing full well his United team is about to rout them to fuck. The programme is just not the place for the mind games and attacks we've come to know and love from Fergie. To fill the pages out we get a couple of tedious features on our own players and then we get the lowdown on todays opponents, like we give a monkey's about Tottenham or Wigan let alone spend five minutes reading about their crock of shit players.

For years the design was distinctive for having a fan and player shaking hands on the front cover, the fan used to wear a hat and suit but got he more modern as the years progressed. Now the pair have shrunk and are hidden away on the inside page. Maybe it's no longer appropriate to have a player and fan shaking hands when the club shafts the fans over so much? Every season or so it seems to go up in 50p invervals of price - to make it handier for the buyer I suppose, 20p and 10p are so fiddily....

To be fair you do get nice photos though and it must be hard coming up with new stuff for each match though, especially the lesser ones against, say Middlesbrough for example. I can barely think of 20 words to write about them Teeside turds. And I do find I enjoy when it looks goes back into nostagia mode back, at old matches and stuff from the archives that only a United club publication would have access to.

The programme is now nothing more than a collectable but yet I buy it every game like a ritual, I suppose it's sort of proof that you were there, even though you can buy them on Ebay of course having never set foot in England. There's also something lurking at the back of my Scottish canny financially prudent mind that they might be worth some money someday. This dream of a retirement fund based on a pile of old programmes is some sort of a dream in a pipe, a pipe dream if you will. Cash for old programmes is shattered when you had a look http://www.unitedreview.co.uk. Forget being worth £100's I find programmes from 1980's are going for a quid each! Even ones from the 1960's are only worth £5 each!!!



WHAT WOULD UNITED PLAYERS BE IF THEY WERE'NT FOOTBALLERS?

Have you ever looked at them and thought "You lucky bastards, just as well you became footballers and not have to work"? But what would United's stars do if they hadn't been blessed by God/Genetics with football skills?

Rio Ferdinand - Big Rio would have to been involved in the music business somehow. I'm seeing him as an Ali G type hip hop loving rapper keeping it real in da hood. Rio Da Rapper would be the Snoop Dog of in Peckham and eventually end up as the owner of a dodgy nightclub.

Michael Carrick - Plumber with "Carrick and Son Plumbers" of Newcastle Upon Tyne. Big Micky Carrick has the look of a reliable Geordie tradesman. Well, reputedly reliable until your toilet overflows. He'd be very expensive mind you and you might wonder whether he's worth the dough but he'll get the job done.

Ryan Giggs - For some reason I'm seeing Giggsy as a car mechanic. In the blue overalls, oil on the face, rolling out from under a car on one of those trolley's they use. Giggsy in the garage!!! "Well we've had to replace the whole clutch unit mate". How much? £300 quid? For fucks sake Giggsy!!!

Paul Scholes: - Computer programmer. Scholesy wouldn't want a job with a lot of talking or interaction with the general public. He'd like something were he could get on with things by himself. He'd be a quiet lad who never says much but prone to genius, just don't expect to see him at a works booze up.

Park Ji Sung: - Daewoo/ Hyundai/ Samsung employee. No brainer this. The industrious little lad would be working like a demon on the factory floor all day making the consumer goods that we in the west canny be arsed to make anymore.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Portuguese 18-30 holiday tour guide. "My name is Cristiano and I will be your guide around the beautiful Algarve the next two weeks." The British tourist totty/slappers would go crazy for him so the crafty Latin lothorio would do be plenty nobbing despite not being rich and famous.
Wayne Rooney - Born in the Scouse wastelands? From a working class background? Oh dear a career in criminality and prison beckons!!! If not then a life of leisure on the dole with a bit of DVD/CD pirating and window cleaning to supplement the income and keep Colleen happy.

Nemanja Vidic - Serbian solider. Commander Vidic of the Serb special forces. He'd have seen a fair bit of defensive action of a different kind and you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end. Croats and Bosians run to the hills!!!

Louis Saha - I'm afraid, poor old Louis would'nt have a job. Always sick, he'd be on the good old Disability Living Allowance (DLA).

Patrice Evra - Nightclub bouncer. A wee hardman. You've seen the type many a time. Black gloves, black puffy jacket, ear piece, mad look in the eyes. They might not be the tallest but by bugger they will empty you if you fuck with them.

Anderson - With those dreadlocks he would have to be in some sort of Brazilian Samba-reggae band. With all that energy he'd have to play the drums.

Carlos Tevez - Oh dear. The notorious Fort Apache ghetto in Buenos Aires, run by gangs would have meant a life as rough as fuck. But our tough lad Carlos would survive the mean streets - as a taxi driver blazing round the crazy streets of Buenos Aires at 80mph with his car decked put in Boca juniors colours. You like River Plate? Get the fuck out of my car before I kill you!

Edwin Van der Sar - Amsterdam bar owner. Big Edwin would surely work in one of those wee Dutch pubs barely big enough to swing a cat. Another small glass of Heinkenen? Yes, big man, pour away!!! And can you recommend a good coffee shop and tell us how much are the hookers?

Nani - Waiter in the Algarve. Nani would be weaving in and out of tables instead of defences. He'd probably know Ronaldo as well. Would probably not be wise to do the backflip in a crowded restaurant.
Gary Neville - Office Manager. I see Gaz Nev as the office manager of a Bury Paper and Office supplies company. He'd obviously be big into his trade unions duties as well. Got a problem? Ask Gaz and he'll sort it out for you. Get him on your side and he'll make sure headoffice doesn't piss you around.

Owen Hargreaves - Seems like a brainy sort of lad with more intellect than your average player. Hargreaves would make the perfect student, studying a BA Combined in Social Anthropology and Byzantine Studies, then a career as Mr Hargreaves, Head of History at Calgary High School, Canada.

Wes Brown - Carpet fitting. You want a new carpet for the stairs or living room? Call "Wesley Brown Carpet fitters" serving the Longsight and Gorton areas of SE Manchester

John O'Shea - Van driver. I can just see Big John in a Ford Transit, probably reversing down a one way street, making a wreck less right turn or shouting out "You fecking ejit ya" at some pensioner who is crawling along at 17mph.

Darren Fletcher - Postman. I can just see Dazza on his rounds in the streets of Edinburgh. Fletcher the Postie would makes few mistakes but don't ask him anything complicated about international postage rates to Bermuda for 23kg box of quails eggs.

Dong Fangzhuo - With such natural poise, balance and skill I can't imagine Dong being anything other than a footballer, the man is a natural....OK if he hadn't made it in football he'd either be a pissant peasant or slaving away in a Nike factory to make the United shirts he now wears. How's that for irony?


See yous all again soon.

Web www.manutdzone.com

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